


the moments when you're in so deep it feels easier to just swim down

by fillertexted



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Miscommunication, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 20:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7377034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fillertexted/pseuds/fillertexted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His friends are dating each other. That would be cool, except Alexander is madly in love with them, too, so it kind of spoils the whole thing.</p><p> </p><p>or, 5 times alex tries to get over his crushes and the 1 time he doesn't have to</p>
            </blockquote>





	the moments when you're in so deep it feels easier to just swim down

**Author's Note:**

> this was betad by the incredible [lafayettes_baguette](http://lafayettes-baguette.tumblr.com) please cherish them 
> 
> also jmads is there for like .7 seconds, and ay ay ron is referenced like thrice

He’s fine. Totally, utterly fine. Not feeling his heart slowly shattering, sending shards to painfully pierce his chest. Not staring at _that_ message currently sitting read but unresponded to. Not thinking about what the message said.

Someone might disagree with that, though. Generally, people who are fine don’t cuddle up in a Snuggie while taking a Buzzfeed quiz on what dog they are, drinking red wine out of a mug. (Alexander gets a chihuahua. He doesn’t know if he should appreciate the irony or be offended.) 

But he was. He was totally fine. So what if his best friends were currently dating each other? That didn’t mean they would just leave him behind, they would still be friends. So what if he has a crush on them all? Burr was wrong, with all that _wait for it_ bullshit. He _had_ waited, and look where it got him. Alexander couldn’t wait (ha) to say he told him so, as soon as he shoves away the feeling of inadequacy.

He was happy for his friends, truly, he was. How could he _not_ be? He loved his friends, and loved when they were happy. He had noticed a shift in their relationship, but hadn’t thought much of it. Alexander lived with John, but Lafayette and Hercules let themselves over so often it was basically their apartment too. When he noticed the two enacting more physical contact when they were around, he wrote it off. Everyone in their little codependent squad had basically no boundaries, so it wasn’t as if he had never seen them holding hands, or cuddling.

He also ignored the way Lafayette’s eyes always lit up whenever they saw or talked about Hercules; it wasn’t as though Alexander didn’t do the same. He barely thought about how Lafayette would often press chaste kisses on Hercules’ cheeks; they were French, it was their greeting. He hadn’t even suspected it when he had overheard them making lunch plans. Hercules has explicitly stated it was a date, but Alexander only took that to mean it was a lunch date, not a romantic date.

Jesus, he’s so oblivious. Does Buzzfeed have a guide to dealing with heartbreak?

(They do. He refills his mug before putting on Taylor Swift and judges himself for being so pathetic.)

 

-0-

 

He got used to the little stabbing pains in his chest whenever he saw them together. They were cute, he couldn’t deny that. They were perpetually cuddled up together, sitting in each other’s laps or simply with their arms wrapped around the others’ waist. They were always sneaking glances at each other, always grinning if they caught the other. Lafayette had developed the habit of kissing Hercules whenever they caught him staring, a move which never failed to make him blush. The worst was when they got too into the kissing, and traversed into make out territory with him still in the room.

They say you drink to forget, and Alexander tried that. It led to several people’s stories having shaky video of him immensely drunk and singing Hold Up on a table. While in dangerously high heels and a glittery pink feather boa. He doesn’t even _want_ to know where they came from. He had also done a death drop directly off of the table, and spilt any and all alcohol over himself. When he woke up the next morning with a killer hangover, aching back, and a _way_ too gleeful Lafayette shoving a too bright phone into his face, he decided he needed a new tactic.

 

-0-

 

Throwing himself into his work seemed more reasonable and logical. He preferred to be well informed on subjects so he could write more in depth about them. He could always start working on a new essay, could rework an assignment that was due soon, could start learning about a new subject he was interested in.

The problem with this, though, is how well his friends know him. He would study for hours on end with only his textbooks and a ridiculous amount of coffee mugs to keep him company, before leaving his room to go take a quick break. When he returns, all of the coffee mugs are gone, including the one he had recently refilled. His textbooks are closed, and on top rest some type of foodstuffs; a handwritten note from any one of his friends next to it, sometimes with a nice message, sometimes with a threat. It makes his smile every time, even if it was irritating the first few times.

They also got into the habit of dragging him away from whatever he may have been doing. John tended to go for the guilt tripping route, all wide eyes and small pout and wavering voice. It makes Alexander snort, but comes willingly, if only to see the blinding smile he gets every time. Lafayette had so much blackmail material on him; he doesn’t even take a moment to think before doing what they want. It’s worth it to see their smile and excited bouncing. Hercules tended to bribe him with the promise of new clothes and gossip, and Alexander was many things, but he was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, even if it is a bribe. Besides, Hercules is like living sunshine when he’s happy. They’re all irresistible, if he’s being honest with himself.

It all comes to head one day when he realizes he had accidentally forgotten about a project. He didn’t even think that was possible, considering how thoroughly he thought he had read over the syllabus, but here he was, two days before the due date and silently panicking. Pacing always made him less jittery; even if his mind was going in too many directions to count, the steady rhythm of going from one end of a room to the other was enough to ground him so he didn’t spiral.

It was on a subject he didn’t know all that well. Who can just casually list off the disadvantages to a budding democracy in Nigeria? Not him, that’s for fucking sure. It normally took him days to find his sources, and he was constantly trying to edit his essays. But he could do this. A little stress never hurt anyone.

(That’s a lie. He resolutely doesn’t think about The Coffee Incident of 2013.)

He shuffles into the kitchen to make a personal pot of coffee. As always, his chest gives off a little twinge when he seeing Lafayette and Hercules wrapped up together as they watch some Netflix show. Even worse, John is sprawled on top of them, and flashes a grin at Alexander before returning his attention to the screen. Did that mean anything?

Alexander drummed his fingers against the countertop in thought as he waited. They cuddle all the time when watching movies. It makes his chest warm and leaves his heart both elated and heavy, but normally they inform him when they’re about to watch something. Alexander thinks they’re watching one of the Grease’s, but he’s not sure. Why hadn’t they extended the invitation to him? Was it a date or something? They had only specified that Lafayette and Hercules were dating, but were they actually also dating John?

A loud sputtering from the coffee machine next to him started him, and he was brought back from his musings. He mechanically gathered the full pot of coffee, a coaster, and the newest bottle of coffee creamer before returning to his room, head still spinning. He pushed away the intruding thoughts as best he could and set everything down, scanning the rubric. The project notes had online sources he could use. He could do this.

Hours later, he had an empty coffee pot next to him, a notebook page full of inane scribbles, and an essay he was semi proud of. He sighed and stretched, feeling jittery but exhausted. The very least he could do was clean up his desk. Laptop closed, cord plugged in because it was dangerously close to dying. Notebooks stacked precariously on the edge of his desk, loose papers shoved carelessly in between pages. Empty coffee pot, mug, and creamer gathered in his arms to take back to the kitchen. He was not prepared to see what he found.

John and Lafayette were kissing. Actually, they were very passionately making out. Lafayette was shirtless. John had them pressed against the island, hands on either side of them to prevent them escaping, and Lafayette’s hands were fisted in John’s hair. Alexander does not _squeak_ , per se, but he does let out a little noise and go bright red. They break apart, breathing heavily, eyes wide as they look at Alexander.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” Lafayette says.  Their voice was low and breathless and it was _definitely_ doing things for him, and he hated himself for it.

“I didn’t just catch you two practically devouring each other?” And he is so, _so_ glad his voice is steady enough to pass off as him only being surprised and embarrassed for interrupting them.

“Well, that _was_ what we were doing, but I’m not cheating,” Lafayette’s voice goes up at the end, nearly a question.

Alexander glances between them, keeping his gaze on their faces only. He guesses he was right, then, about them all dating each other.

“Just to be clear, John, you’re dating Lafayette and Hercules now?”

John blushes, and drops his gaze, a small smile on his lips as he nods. Lafayette kisses his cheek, and he grins up at them, love plain on his face. Even though Alexander had thought it, them all dating hurts more than he cares to admit. He was still happy for them, though. He never would’ve asked John out anyways.

Instead of focusing on his newly opened heartbreak, he smiles at them, and finally moves to set the dishes in the sink and the creamer back on the counter. He decided working too much wouldn’t help. He was getting a headache, he was perpetually tired, and it would cause too much stress on their new relationship if they had to continuously look after him for getting too invested in something. He was an asshole, but at least he had the decency to leave the happy couple to enjoy the honeymoon stage without stress. He needs a new plan.

 

-0-

 

So _maybe_ his plan of starting an argument every time he sees Jefferson wasn’t the smartest, but at least he can turn his heartbreak into anger and have a viable target. After a while, though, it seemed that even _Jefferson_ was getting confused about the frequency of their fights. Jefferson seemed to snap when they have an argument about the best _teletubbie_ , of all things. He stops in the middle of his sentence before sighing and patting Alexander on the head, walking away and leaving him speechless.

Sure, they had gone from intellectual debates to children’s TV shows, but Jefferson had never walked away from an argument before. It made Alexander feel a little unsettled. He never thought Jefferson would ever give up a chance to prove him wrong or an excuse to yell at him. Alexander could still see his bright purple jacket, and Alexander had caught John and Hercules very nearly having kitchen sex this morning. He doesn’t condone kitchen sex, or the thought of his crushes having sex.

“Yo, Jefferson! We aren’t done!”

Jefferson pauses, and turns back around. If that wasn’t surprising enough, the tall fuck actually had a smile on his face. A real, honest to God _smile_. Was the world ending? When he was close enough, Jefferson rested a hand on his shoulder before slowly shaking his head. Alexander was very lost on this series of events.

“Hamilton, I’m not going to argue with you over something that doesn’t matter. Anyways, don’t try to pretend I can’t tell something else is going on.”

Alexander just stares at him.

“Something to do with your little squad?” Jefferson raises an eyebrow.

Alexander continues to stare, because _fuck_ , if _Jefferson_ can tell he’s in love with his friends, who else can?

“I’m probably the only one; the matters of the heart are something I take very seriously.” Had he said that out loud? What the fuck. Alexander needed to get out of this conversation.

“Great, can we pretend this never happened?”

Jefferson snorts and nods, finally removing his hands and placing them in his pockets. “Text me if you need to get away.” And wasn’t _that_ the offer of the century.

It isn’t until Jefferson has already turned away and is several feet away before Alexander manages to pick his jaw up off the ground and yells after him, “Dipsy is obviously the best!”

Jefferson just flips him off over his shoulder.

 

-0-

 

With his pseudo friendship with Jefferson, he finds himself spending more time with Madison. He’s quiet, mostly tending to keep to himself, but has a wicked and dark sense of humor when someone gets him going. The most important fact is that Madison knows exactly what it’s like to have an unrequited love. Alexander really doesn’t know how Madison is attracted to Jefferson, but he only judges him a little. After all, Madison gives stellar advice.

“Ever hear about exposure therapy? Works pretty well for crushes, too.”

And, well, that really isn’t all that bad of an idea. He’s gotten pretty good at ignoring his feelings, and spending more time with his friends is a very enticing thought.

That’s how he finds himself in the middle of a giant cuddle pile with too many blankets and The Office playing. Everyone seemed surprised when he proposed they had a movie night, but John bounced over to give him a tight hug, declaring it was about time they had another one with him. The others nodded their assent, and so they all gathered blankets, junk food, and themselves. As he leans back against John’s chest, he thinks about how much he missed this, missed _them_ , and smiles.

That euphoria goes straight out the window the first time he catches all three of them cuddled up together, all focused on separate things. It makes his chest ache, because he _wants_ that quiet intimacy, _wants_ to be included, but never will. He thinks about asking to join them before dismissing the idea. They were dating, they didn’t need their friend who happened to have a crush on all of them join in on their quasi date. He silently puts together a bowl of cereal and heads back to his room.

Maybe Madison was wrong. Exposure therapy wasn’t working as well as he wanted.

He tries something else entirely.

 

-0-

 

He starts small. He gets up earlier than he used to, beats everyone to the bathroom and kitchen, only says quick goodbyes to a sleep mussed John, the only other one who gets up this early. He doesn’t come home for lunch anymore, either grabbing something from the canteen or neglecting to eat at all. He gets home too late to enjoy dinner with everyone else.

He begins to spend more time at the library than at his apartment. Alexander barely looks at the clock anymore, just studies or finds a subject to study. He types up twenty page Word documents and fills up many notebooks. Ink from pens or highlighters constantly cover his fingers, and the bags under his eyes get bigger than he’s ever seen them. He is totally ready to say the bags are designer if anyone asks.

This goes on for a week before Hercules corners him. Alexander laughs it off and blames the several tests he has coming up. He neglects to say he already filled out extensive notes for all three and has highlighted them thoroughly.

Lafayette is next, saying they had asked after him. Alexander smiles as blithely as he can, and again brings up the tests. Lafayette is still frowning, though, so he promises they can go out for lunch sometime. They let him go after that.

He braces himself for what John is going to say. Except, John doesn’t say anything, because one night John is sitting on the edge of Alexander’s bed, waiting for him. Alexander is instantly concerned because being a med student is incredibly tiring and John goes to bed early, especially on a weeknight. John looks up when he enters, and stands up. They simply look at each other for a moment before John drags Alexander into a tight hug, hooking his chin over Alexander’s shoulder. He’s a bit confused.

“John?” He murmurs quietly, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me,” John sounds upset. Like, near tears upset. Alexander pushes him away until he can see John’s face, tries to meet his eyes, but John’s gaze is stubbornly downcast, not even giving him a chance. Alexander sighs quietly.

“Nothing’s going on. I’m just swamped with work right now. Y’know, with the whole double major thing. Kinda always too busy for my own good.”

John just frowns at this, finally meeting Alexander’s eyes. “That’s not it. Even during finals last year you spent more time with us, with _me_. What happened? What’s going _on_ , Alex?”

Alexander can’t tell the truth. He _can’t_. He hates lying to his friends, but just this once, he won’t feel guilty about it. John doesn’t need to know. He sighs.

“I really am just busy. Once it calms down I’ll be around more, okay?”

John seems to accept this, and sweeps Alexander back into a hug.

Of course, Alexander just makes it harder for them to contact him. Sometimes he leaves his phone in his room, or just ignores messages and calls completely. He books private study rooms in the library, gets up even earlier, gets home even later, and once, memorably, passes out at the library in the middle of finding a new book.

But he’s fine. He’s barely feeling the sting of unrequited love anymore, but that might just be because he’s too tired to even hold his head up. All he wants right now is to make it home without falling over, and then pass the fuck out in his bed before getting up only two hours later. Not a glamorous life, but the life he decided to live. Therefore, he is very unpleasantly surprised when he comes home to three faces full of concern. Well, it’s always nice to see their faces, but he is seconds away from being unconscious, and he doesn’t want a repeat of the Library Incident. He doesn’t need that in his life.

Hercules opens his mouth, but Alexander holds up a hand, eyes already closed. “This can wait, because I am literally three seconds away from passing out right now, and you can’t have a serious discussion when one of the participants is passed out.” He opens heavy eyelids in time to see them all nod. “Great. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

 

-0-

 

He wakes up a lot later than he had in two weeks, but everyone is gathered in the kitchen when he finally gets out of bed. His stomach is full of dread, twisting it uncomfortably. He doesn’t know what they know, but based on the serious look on all of their faces, he won’t like what they have to say. He suppresses a sigh and takes a seat at the table, rubbing tiredly at his eyes. He would love to have coffee before starting this conversation, but maybe being a little unhinged would make this easier.

“So.” He starts. He casts a look at everyone.

“So.” John repeats.

The table is silent for a few moments, and Alexander sighs. “I’m really tired, so can we get this over with?”

“It’s come to our attention that maybe our relationship makes you uncomfortable,” Hercules says, and Alexander gaze snaps up. “And if it does, we need to talk.”

Alexander runs a hand through his hair, leaning back against his chair. What was he supposed to say? ‘ _Not really, I’m just incredibly jealous and would love to also be in the relationship, but I know I’m not good enough for any of you to look twice at_ ’? Apparently his silence is damning, though, because Hercules’ face goes stony, and he nods to himself.

“I think you understand when I say I don’t think we can be friends if you can’t approve of our relationship.”

Alexander thinks about groaning, but that would most likely be taken the wrong way. Instead, he stands abruptly. “I need to take five. Can we put this conversation on hold?”

Lafayette opens their mouth, but Hercules puts a hand on their shoulder, eyes never leaving Alexander’s. He nods, and Alexander basically high tails it out of there. He heads for his room to plan.

He closes the door behind him before sitting at his desk, pulling over a notebook and pen. He can’t see a way he can say he’s totally fine with their relationship without explaining why he was distant from them. They obviously didn’t believe him when he said he was busy. He sighs, and taps the tips on his pen and the blank paper.

He needed to get something down that wasn’t just _‘I’m madly in love with you all, please invite me into your relationship_ ’ both because that’s bad form and way too desperate. It had to be heartfelt, meaningful. It had to be a love confession and an apology all in one. He set the pen tip to the paper, and wrote.

Except he only wrote one word. _Sorry._ That was not what he was going for, at all. Jesus, he was so bad at this. There was a knock at his door, and he hissed curses under his breath. He was so fucking screwed, at this point. He closed the notebook, clicked the pen, and got up. The door was his only protection right now. He was dangerously close to losing everything he cared about; losing the life he had meticulously built from the ground up. A quick inhale for strength, and he pulled open the door.

John’s gaze flitted up from the floor to his face, before dropping again. A frown tugged at his lips, and he was absently playing with the hem of his shirt. Alexander’s heart gave off a pang; hurting them was never his intention, and all he wanted to do was smash his head against the wall. But he’s a terrible human being, so he managed to do it anyways. He stopped another sigh, and wondered vacantly if he was becoming Burr, with all of that miscommunication and constant sighing. What a scary thought.

John was looking at him curiously, because _right_ , he was just standing in his doorframe, looking blankly at the ground. Honestly, how was he an adult? He daydreamed all the time and constantly got lost in thought. Alexander shook himself minutely, and headed back to the kitchen, John following. He had no plan, but being tired boosted creativity, and he was so tired he could probably sleep for three years and still complain about waking up.

He gracelessly plopped back down into his chair, and waited until John was seated again. “So, I was going to plan out what I was going to say, but I’m way too tired for that shit. So here goes. Your relationship makes me upset, but not for the reason you guys are thinking.”

He dares a look at everyone’s face; John looks curious, Lafayette apprehensive, Hercules troubled. Alexander clasps his hands together, nails digging into the skin in between his knuckles. “I was, no, _am_ , extremely and pathetically jealous of your relationship.”

Someone makes a noise like a cut off squeak, and Alexander takes another breath. He isn’t done yet. “I’ve been avoiding all of you because of that pettiness and I’m really sorry. I just happen to be in love with all of you, too, and seeing you all together was too much.”

He doesn’t bother looking up this time. There is just silence, and he shuts his eyes. He wasn’t really expecting anything to come out of this conversation, but he’d still like to be friends with them if possible. He startles when he feels a hand on his shoulder, and looks up to see John grinning brightly. He glances at the others, and is startled to see matching expressions on their faces. What?

“Well, Alex, considering you don’t hate us or our relationship, want to join in?”

“What?”

John’s smile dims a little. “Well, you love us, right? And we love you, and if you want, we can all be dating.”

Alexander blinks, because this is a dream, and way too good for him. He pinches himself, and feels even more surprised at the fact he’s awake, and the part where _this is real life_. John’s smile falls a bit more, and Alexander’s eyes widen. Holy shit.

“Of course. Holy fuck, of course I want to be dating all of you. Holy shit.”

John’s smile comes back full force, and he loops an arm around his waist to tug him into his side. “Welcome to the poly squad, then.”

It isn’t until they’re all cuddled up on the couch together with kiss bruised lips when Alexander remembers he needs to tell Burr he told him so.

**Author's Note:**

> i only wrote this bc i wanted to write the bit abt alex drinking red wine from a mug while taking that buzzfeed quiz bc,, of reasons,,, 
> 
> also fun fact the abbreviation of the title is tmwyisdifetjsd, incredible  
>  
> 
> hmu on tumblr: [fillertexted](http://fillertexted.tumblr.com)


End file.
